I’m making Robin see Hunger Games. As long as he’s going to fight like a girl, he might as well learn how to do it well.
Robin almost got us killed in a shoot-out with the Escabedo drug cartel last night. ICarly privileges REVOKED.
I am Vengeance. I am the Night. I am mildly lactose intolerant
I don’t care if they were on sale, Alfred. I’m NOT WEARING SUPERMAN BOXER-BRIEFS!
Batcave renovations to include self-surgery station, upgraded armory, and MOTHER EFFING SHARK TANK.
Saw the A-Team. Would've been better if instead of a "team" it was one man. Dressed like a bat. Who drives a stealth tank.
Craigslist: Nippled bat-themed body armor. NO CHARGE if you come get this CRAP out of my cave.
Fractured Scarecrow's jaw & ruptured a lung before I realized it was actually Sarah Jessica Parker. Sorry Jess, I loved Failure to Launch!
Another Robin died today. Apparently it’s hard to hear Joker sneaking up behind you when your earbuds are blasting Kelly Clarkson.
For the last time Alfred, they're NOT TIGHTS! They're DUAL DENSITY CARBON-FIBER LEGGINGS! And yes, please have them washed.
Drive-thrus should have a width warning. Just tore the side off a Wendy's with the Tumbler. Frosties. Yum.
Working through the holiday weekend. Riddler's face isn't going to punch itself.
Cut the power to Joker's hideout during the last 10 minutes of the Lost finale. And he says I have no sense of humor.
Joker and Barney the Dinosaur have two things in common. They wear purple and green. And I put them both in the hospital last night.
Lady, the only way the Batman will "make an appearance" at your kid's birthday party is if the little turd is dead from poison Joker cake.
Another WayneTech board meeting. What I wouldn't give for a whiskey and a pair of ballistic composite-weave kevlar-studded gloves.
Trying to find the right birthday card for Alfred. It should be festive but also make it clear sassy backtalk won't be tolerated.
Changed Robin's ringtone to sound like a 9MM semi-automatic. Good to keep that kid on his toes.
Gordon complaining Batsignal doesn't work on cloudless nights. Hey Commish, my parents are dead. Life sucks don't it?
Some two-bit hood said the cowl makes my mouth look puffy. I doubt he'll ever walk again. NOTE: sched mtg w/ Lucius to discuss cowl redesign
Just got my refund check. Apparently, you can write off a $100 million bat-shaped jet and get away with it.
The fastest way to Chick-fil-A is the Batpod. Trust me.
No Alfred, I DON'T know what PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE means. Why don't you EXPLAIN it to me.
Decided to re-paint the Batcave. Debating between Ethan Allan "Brooding Midnight" and Ralph Lauren "Infinite Despair."
Again Alfred, it's a STEALTH FIGHTER JET shaped like a BAT and I use it to fight common STREET CRIME. WHAT ABOUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE?!
Turn-Ons: Developing antidotes, ballistic forensics, dismantling major crime syndicates. Sexy.
Lucius, these plans for a Bat-Sea-Doo are COMPLETELY ABSURD!! Put me down for six.
Another Robin died today. He fell 18 stories onto the pavement. Then got hit by an '84 El Camino. What a shame. That car is a classic.
Craigslist: Red rotary phone & matching flip-top Shakespeare bust w/ hidden button. DON'T JUDGE ME, IT WAS THE 60's!
A great storm arose. The oak stood rigid & fell. The reed bent & survived. The Batman beat the crap out of it & threw it in weather jail
Thinking of replacing Robin with a grizzly bear in spandex. Sure it would be a tactical disaster but Riddler's expression would be worth it.
Sometimes Bruce Wayne lets himself get pick-pocketed on purpose. I like to have an ass-kicking already lined up before I start patrols.
Robin, I don't care if the 15 ft. Screen "makes you feel like you're there." YOU'RE NOT WATCHING THE TEEN CHOICE AWARDS ON THE BATCOMPUTER!
Not saying I want Robin to get killed. But if he were to catch a stray bullet before Step Up 3D comes out, I don't know how upset I'll be.
Alfred, do you really expect me to peel string cheese wearing these gauntlets? THAT'S WHY I ASKED FOR LUNCHABLES!
Found the Twilight novels under Robin's bed. Thought about mocking him, but considering his life expectancy decided to let him have his fun.
When I need to break my fall, I aim for those stupid parking enforcement golf carts.
Updating Batsymbol again: Sharper edges, taller ears, adding flames and chainsaws. Still debating the taller ears.
Invented a new drink called The Batman. Ask for vermouth, coffee liqueur & banana vodka, then crush the bartender's windpipe. So good...
Craigslist:Giant novelty penny w/ lifesize t-rex looking for loving home. $500 obo. Also willing to trade for military grade cell processors
Another Robin died today. Vat of acid. I'm really going to miss this one. He was a scary good barista.
Q: Why a bat? A: SHUT THE F**K UP, ALFRED!!!
Census taker stopped by today. Apparently there's no occupation option for VIGILANTE FACE-BREAKER. Way to go, census bureau.
Accidentally triggered the utility belt's trail mix dispenser instead of the tear gas. Good thing Killer Croc is allergic to peanuts.
Raided Penguin's lair while he was watching the Nat'l Spelling Bee. Here's a word you can spell, DENTALRECONSTRUCTIVESURGERY
Destroyed 5 police cruisers, a tanker truck, a hipster's fixed gear bicycle, and an overpass support beam. All on my commute home.
Caught Robin lipsyncing to Glee instead of practicing his Krav Maga strikes. And Alfred wonders why they always die young.
Finally destroyed Robin's iPod. It's impossible to brood when Justin Bieber is blasting in the upstairs guest room.
Ordering new Batarangs. Do I go matte or glossy? Glossy makes a better crunching sound but matte is cheaper. ... Screw it, I'm going glossy.
World's Greatest Detective and I can't find my FREAKING RAY BANS!!!
Standing in ungodly line at Costco. Isn't this what I have a butler for? Or better yet, a Sonic Bowel-Disrupting Crowd Disperser?
Robin, I'm NOT DOING A POWER YOGA CLASS WITH YOU!!! SO STOP ASKING!
Analyzing Oprah's strategic weaknesses for when she eventually goes rogue. Contingency plan will utilize titanium netting & Baconators.
Another Robin died today. Ripped in half by Man-Bat. Makes you stop and think. Like what kind of stupid name is “Man-Bat?”
Sure Poison Ivy CLAIMS to be green. But do you know how much oil it takes to mutate just one giant flytrap?
Some TV shrink said I created the criminals I now fight. So I beat him to a pulp. Note: Investigate rumors of new villain called The Shrink
