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This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write. I can’t even see clearly, from the tears welling in my eyes.
My Mother, the woman who was in a hospital bed 27 years ago today, as an 18 year-old woman in labor, awaiting my arrival into this world, is gone.
How can this be? Why her? Why now? These are all things we keep asking ourselves, but will never, in this lifetime, get the answers we’re looking for.
She went to the hospital last Tuesday. She was disoriented and weak. I talked to her each day, and each day she sounded like she was getting better. She was in good spirits, getting back to her old self. Then Sunday morning at 5am, I get a voicemail message from the hospital. My Grandma called them back, and I heard her start to cry, so I ran downstairs to see what was wrong, and she told me my Mother went to be with Jesus. All I could say was “No! No! No! WHY? HOW?”
The doctor told us she had a heart attack caused by Pulmonary Hypertension, which weakened her heart and lungs to the point that they couldn’t work anymore. The only thing that would’ve saved her is a heart and lung transplant, which she might not have survived, had there been a donor available anyway. The doctor said, she died almost instantly, with no pain or suffering, she probably wasn’t even aware.
All these things keep doing circles in my head, she’ll never see me become a successful photographer, she won’t see Olivia grow up, she won’t be at her daughter’s wedding, or ever meet her Grandchildren, she won’t see my dream house, or ever get to go camping in the Keweenaw Peninsula like we’d planned. She’ll never take me to Chicago and show me her favorite city. I could go on and on. So many things come to mind. We had so many plans for our future. Now I have to go on alone.
Everywhere I go, there are so many things lying around that are hers, or remind me of her. It’s so hard to be here. Even when I leave the house, there are reminders. Even the motorized carts at walmart.
I know I still have my Grandparents and Olivia, but I still feel so alone. I lost my best friend. We were inseparable. We did just about everything together. I was so looking forward to summer, and camping, and teaching her how to take pictures. She finally found something she enjoyed doing, and never got a chance to even learn her manual settings. She’ll never finish writing her novel. I guess someone else will have to tell her story for her.
I can’t afford a proper burial, so we have to do a cremation. I wanted a grave for her, but it costs like 7,000-10,000, and cremation is $2,400. I wish she would’ve had life insurance.
I just have to keep in mind that she is not her body, her soul is in Heaven, I don’t need to visit a grave to talk to her, she can hear me anywhere, she’s probably watching me crying like a baby right now.
Goodbye Mother. I’ll see you again someday. I love you, even if I didn’t say it enough. I’m sorry about all the times I was mean to you, I’m sorry for fighting with Olivia. I miss you so much it physically hurts. It will for a long time.