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So I Draw For Me? Or Am I Running From Them.....

Blog: #8 of 8 by Derrick Rathgeber

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November 20th, 2012 - 11:14 PM

RED LYRICS
ďLet GoĒ

Hey you, look what you do to me
You bend and you bruise me
Why you try to control me?
But you donít know me
How come you just want to hurt me?
How come you just want to push me?
I canít ignore you anymore
Cause everywhere I turn you
You burn me, you break me
You always want to take me down with you
What do you want from me?
I donít wanna be afraid, I donít wanna run away
I donít want to be here fading itís more that I can take
Iím never gonna be the same
I threw it all away
I donít want to be here fading
Just let go! (look what you do to me)
Let go! (look what you do to me)
Hey you, look what you do to me
You burnt and you scared me
With all that you tell me (but I donít listen!)
You love me, you hate me
You always want to take me down with you
What do you want from me?
I donít wanna be afraid I donít wanna run away
I donít want to be here fading itís more that I can take
Iím never gonna be the same
I threw it all away
I donít want to be here fading
Just let
You kept pushing me
You keep using me
You keep twisting me
You keep breaking me
You canít have me anymore [x3]
You canít have me, let go!
I donít wanna be afraid, I donít wanna run away
I donít want to be here fading itís more that I can take
Iím never gonna be the same
I threw it all away
I donít want to be here fading
Just let go! Let go! Just let go!
I donít wanna be afraid
Let go! (I donít wanna run away!)
Just let go! Let go! Let go!
__________________________________________________

Lyrics can bring up some old feelings. In this case from how I felt growing up. A deal of my family would degrade me constantly from gay remarks, because I would never bring a girlfriend home, to your weak and a bastard. The same day after such remarks and an ass whooping from my older brothers, because they could, they would say ďyou know we love you.Ē It was really hard, and not one of them will ever apologize, to them thatís how life was. It was normal. I ran away and hid in my older sisters room a lot, but she could only do so much as she was growing up, and had friends of her own.

What would start as me running away from my family would end up being a way for me to become an artist. I didnít want to run away from my family. I wanted to belong with them, but everytime I just felt like I didnít belong or fit in. I donít know if it had to do with my biological father being out of the picture, and they all had theirs, or because I was the ďmiricle bastardÖI mean baby.Ē I still ask myself why they were so distant from me, and I never get my answer, even when I pray.

Now I am an adult, and I am away. I used to create entire worlds to escape from the everyday, but now my world is my escape and I have to worst writerís/drawing block in history. Part of me just wants something as an apology from them. They honestly think they were great to me. They bring up the fact that when I was a baby recovering, from open heart surgery, they held me and slept next to the crip. I appreciate that I really do, but where was this love as I got older? In the end itís okay I am still working on forgiving them, and moving on with my family. Not to repeat this hatred with my son & daughters. I pray everyday they have a really supportive loving atmosphere. For the bullying to repeat in my family, that is my biggest fear. I donít want my children to feel like I did.

For a moment I thought I needed their hate for a reason to run away and create. I thought of my new works. Like the cat eyes, and the large bird picture, and I say I still have it. Now I want the fear to stop me from doing more. I question my talents as an artist every single day of my life. To the point where I will just drop the pencil and go clean house instead, or play a game. I sometimes ask for approval from my wife and kids to the point where I know it looks annoying and pathetic on my part. I hope by writing this blog I can break this fear. I used to continue drawing as a kid because that was possible the one comment I would get from my family. And I drew everyday just to get that one complement in between the crap they shoveled my way. Now I just want to draw for me, because I like to. And I am good at it. I just hope that I am no longer drawing for the wrong reasons anymore. I hope now as I get older with the support of my great wife and kids, that I no longer need their approval. Like my wife said to me one time, I can either
- "Stand like David, or fall like Goliath." - It's my choice. And I choose to stop running from the past, and stand my ground.

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