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I could stare for hours at photographs of rainbow-colored cakes.
I ran over a kid that was riding a unicycle home from school today. I feel bad, but It had to be done.
"Things are starting to get ridiculous." -- What I say when things are starting to get ridiculous.
I won't apologize if I hit you with my boobs but I will shout Lord Titty blesses you
It's impossible to fit any more "life changing" backpacking experiences into this Trader Joe's.
If you're a millionaire and you don't have a Double Dare obstacle coarse in your house, you don't deserve to be a millionaire.
We seem to be overlooking the fact that E.T. Looks a lot like poop.
Gonna pretend I lost my memory and wander onto a farm acting all crazy. Hopefully the farmer will make me a steak & listen to my problems
The stick figure decals on my car's rear window represent the people I've hit.
I admire George Lucas for his ability to enrage nerds.
They called them "pants" because "napkins" was already taken
Do you think Tupac got his overalls at JCPenney?Did I get my overalls at JCPenney?
I bought work out clothes that are turning into great pajamas!
I go to Taco Bell and throw in random adjectives to see if they notice. "I'll have the Cheesy Double Sweaty Burrito."
I want a pet raccoon. I'll name him Rascal. He'll break the neighbors' flowerpots and bring me shiny things.
As a kid, Jamie Lee Curtis taught me about periods. As an adult, shes taught me about pooping regularly. Are you there JLC? Its me, Krista
Celebrities are all so superficial...except for the really pretty ones that I'm totally in love with and want to marry. They're all perfect.
Making me get up early is a great way to get that new lifelong grudge with me started.
There's absolutely no reason whatsoever for me to be running a table saw in my house everyday but my neighbors don't know that.
Totally blasting Billy Joel out of my minivan. I'm like sex on wheels right now.
Most people don't know this, but Dr. Seuss's first name is "Hey"
There has to be a bait & tackle shop named "Master Baiters", there just HAS to be!
I'm kind of like Jesus, in that, I can change water into pee.
"DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME" - Farts
Having a stationary bike in my house is really convenient for my busy lifestyle of throwing my clothes on a stationary bike.
Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on.
The smaller the neighborhood, the harder it is to pee on someone's lawn without it being a 'thing.'
Having the ability to morph into the form of a saltwater crocodile while still retaining your human consciousness would get you so laid.
I use pirate booty to pay my electric bill.
How do you tell a plumber you don't want your sink super fixed because then you wouldn't be able to call it the Leaky Cauldron anymore?
The camera adds 10 pounds and I just ate 36 cameras.
Fat people with skinny legs, I'm fascinated. Tell me your story.
My one-eyed coworker, Patches keeps telling me his name is Kevin, not Patches. Oh Patches...
I'm a total workaholic when it comes to drinking vodka.
Hey musicians, please try not to have long periods of silence in your songs, because my hard drive is almost full.
Never tell a girl she looks healthy I don't care if you meant beautiful I said NEVER brb crying
It's amazing how people who cut you off in traffic are also responsible for everything that's ever gone wrong in your life.
Why do people wear helmets while riding a scooter? I think your head is safe if your top speed is a whopping 10 mph.
I'd rather be told that it's my turn to give Chaz Bono a 5-hour sponge bath than to find out I've been selected for jury duty.
No Kia, I do not want to drive the same kind of car as hamsters.
If I had 24 hours to live, I'd go to every bookstore or coffee shop and slam everyone's laptop shut until I dropped dead.
Hey guys named Larry, good luck with that.
I've noticed a disappointing lack of rocket-powered wheelchairs with dual-mounted soft-serve machines.
Drinking ice water after eating a cough drop feels like swallowing penguins and lasers.
A toilet is like a microphone for your ass.
Forget world hunger. Donate your money to my un-identical eyebrows.
More bad wife bday gifts: 1. A 2nd job 2. Jiffy Lube coupon 3. Spa day at a place called Ralph's 4. Something from your mistress' Etsy site
When did sex, drugs, rock & roll turn into dick pics, Tylenol PM, and Selena Gomez?
Wanna terrify me? Put me in a room with a marionette.
Funny how when you like someone everything they do is cute. "You just pooped in a dumpster? Omg you're adorable."
I'd love being a hurricane, only way I could drive my car, climb a tree and pick up all my kids from school at the same time.
Just whispered "I'm gonna eat you" to a piece of toast and now I don't want to be me anymore.
Missing: Hubcap. Silver & round. Last seen on my car in 2009. $$$ reward. I'm not gonna say "no questions asked" because I'll ask questions.
Some gross guy is probably looking at his toenails right now thinking he should clip them, but he won’t do it because he’s gross.
These seagulls are so psyched about this dead fish, I think they just high-winged each other.
Me: "It'd be super awesome if you printed a syllabus." Teacher: "I welcome any opportunity to be awesome." I think I'm doing work right!
Always read the fine print because you have to break a few eggs (and cross the canyon of destiny on a pegasys) to make an omelet.
If the name of your auto repair shop has the word "lube" in it, there is a 100% chance that I will snicker as I drive by.