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I shouldn't feel like this, should I? I am a follower of Christ, a term more commonly referred to as "a Christian". Thus, it is my understanding that my eternal life is secure thanks to the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. That's some weighty stuff! You'd think I'd be happy, right? Eternity. In heaven. Not hell. Good news, don't you think? So why am I not feeling it? How is it that a thick, black curtain of anguish is drawn in front of my eyes?
You name it, it's there, relentlessly pecking at my soul: loneliness, frustration, hopelessness, overwhelming doubt, anger, worthlessness, etc.
Sure, I suppose I'm allowed to feel such things, aren't I? If that's even the correct word, "allowed". Yet it seems like such a pathetic thing to do. What successful person would allow such things into his life? That's like saying that I'm allowed to let a contagion enter my home. Stupid! Idiotic thoughts! They flood my brain, just as the anguish does, drawing me farther and farther from who I know I really am. Fuck. I hate this fucking life!
October 8th, 2012
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