Moses' Road Map Of Egypt
Photograph - Short Story
In Exodus, the story starts with Moses in a handbasket transporting him whence he kneweth not. It gets weird after that. During the flight from Egypt, Moses is often depicted raising his arms before the Red Sea to make it part for the rabble to cross. This has traditionally been attributed to the God of Moses. Historians now believe that Yahway had nothing to do with this phenomenon. The current consensus among old testament scholars is that Moses had The Lord God's Miraculous Underarm Body Odorİ which split the tide. Having reached the Great Sandy Wastes of Sinai, Moses and The Misfits began their 40 year desert maunder. But Moses soon found that he and his raggedy rabble were not the only ones wandering around the desert. After about 40 days there were clear signs of another large mass of people preceding Moses' Marauders. There were the tracks of hundreds or maybe thousands of members of another tribe, littered with sun dried discarded pieces of manna. Moses was incensed with the audacity of others wasting Jehovah's heavenly gift of sustenance. As he led his perp walkers through the Deadly Desert, thousands upon thousands more joined the other tribe which seemed to be just out of sight at all times. Greater and greater grew the piles of discarded manna. The faster Moses forced his followers, the faster the preceding tribe grew and the more wasteful they became. Finally Moses could take no more! He conceived of a new plan, proposed by his second in command, Rand-McNally. He carefully chose members of his following who learned the art of survey under their Egyptian masters. They were given the holy task of making a map of the Shifting Sands of the Sinai in order to aid in the pursuit of the heathens. They set up sticks and standing stones in configurations which allowed them to triangulate distances and directions. After 40 days, it became evident that the blasphemers had begun surveying the land as well. (It bears mentioning that the repeated biblical use of the number 40 does not equal 40. 40 years in the desert, 40 days and nights of the Sacred Watery Genocide of the Lordİ, etc. It might as well have equaled infinity. This follows the biblical math which allows both 1 to equal 3, or 3=1, and PI to also equal 3. There must have been some peculiar circles drawn back then. In reality, to the writers of the bible, counting went something like this: 1, 2, 3, 40. Anything beyond 3 was uncountable and incomprehensible to them.) His tormenters' numbers kept increasing, even as Moses' crowds diminished. As they struggled through the Impassable Desert, another miracle occurred. Having drawn their map on sand, they were unable to take it with them, rendering the map useless. Collecting the discarded manna and mixing it with their own sweat and saliva, they pounded it out on the flat side of the slab of Mt. Nebo rock Moses was carrying they produced a smooth flat surface like parchment, on which the Blessed Road Map of the God of Mosesİ (Praise be unto Yahoo) was drawn. ( Along the way, Moses attempted to make connections and allies in the kingdoms surrounding the desert. He tried to impress Queen Zixi of Ix to marry him in a vain attempt to merge his followers with the citizens of Ix. After magically transforming his "staff" into a python, she used her magic bodyguards to disappear him and his rabble back into the desert.) Moses couldn't just stop at the invention of the road map. Because of its great size, it was very difficult to just carry around. So Moses and his surveyors invented roadmap origami so the map could fit into a pouch. Problem was that, after opening the map, nobody could figure out how to fold it back up, so it was repeatedly folded and crumpled pretty much at random. The reason they spent 40 years in the desrt was that Yeehaw wouldn't allow Moses and his tribe to leave the desert until they had neatly folded the map back up. (If that were to happen in Florida, nobody would ever leave the state.) Luckily, today we have GPS (Garmins's Prophetic Sacramentİ) and the Sacred Siri and therefore never get lost.
See the ongoing story in my Short Story gallery:
April 21st, 2014
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