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Robert Kernodle

9 Months Ago

Passive Aggressive - What Do You Think It Means?

... inspired by a comment in another thread,

I thought this topic might be an enlightening one to explore.

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David Morefield

9 Months Ago

Maybe we can talk about this tomorrow? LOL

 

Marlene Burns

9 Months Ago

Specific signs of passive-aggressive behavior include:

Resentment and opposition to the demands(requests) of others
Procrastination and intentional mistakes in response to others' demands (requests)
Cynical, sullen or hostile attitude
Frequent complaints about feeling underappreciated or cheated

 

Actually lol Resentment and opposition to the demands of others could be most people. Not many people like demands from others. Suggestions and hints....helpful etc but demands? Do you demand things from your husband? I know I would not demand things from my bf. Request perhaps

O poo...now I look like the other 3 LOL

 

Marlene Burns

9 Months Ago

That's a quote from mayo clinic abbie, not me personally
I just had such an experience that I described in svetlanas thread.
I politely asked a friendto give me some space and she agreed. Then proceeded to all but stalk me! So no, it doesn't have to be a demand but the response is almost always angry to any request.

 

Janine Riley

9 Months Ago

"What an interesting topic to discus Robert, & perhaps I would have time to enjoy this - if I wasn't so damned busy cooking for you" .

Ok, seriously........ a Passive - Aggressive person will rarely disagree with you. They smile, nod their head - & just do WTH they want anyhow.

Subtle sneaky ways - like "accidently" leaving out an ingredient in a recipe they don't want to give you.


 

Patricia Strand

9 Months Ago

Hmmm... I just thought it was anger with a smile. Too simple?

 

A defense mechanism that allows people who aren't comfortable being openly aggressive get what they want under the guise of still trying to please others. They want their way, but they also want everyone to still like them.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=passive-aggressive

 

Angelina Vick

9 Months Ago

I think of the silent treatment.

A person is mad...but instead of talking about what they are upset about, or trying to address the issue with the person they are not happy with, instead they respond by a form of punishment: the silent treatment

"I'm mad at you, I'm not going to try work it out or solve it, but instead I will not acknowledge your existence"

I can't remember where I read it, maybe an irish proverb, where it says that men only pretend the silent treatment from their women bothers them...really it's a vacation. ;)

 

Barbara St Jean

9 Months Ago

Lol Robert, great topic.... Passive Aggressive behaviour is like a puppy licking your face and wizzing on your foot at the same time....

An art form of it own.... kinda like sarcasm.... and I'll have you know I have never faked a sarcasm in my life LOL

We are all guilty of this PAB at one time or another.... it's lovely to be human I say...

My two cents

Cheers, Barbara

 

Loretta Luglio

9 Months Ago

A means of manipulating and controlling a situation while being cordial.

 

Oh well that is being a moderator LOL

 

Paul Cowan

9 Months Ago

It's a curiously meaningless expression that people use to assert their intellectual superiority over someone and cause irritation if they happen to have lost an argument.

 

Vivian ANDERSON

9 Months Ago

Truthfully, I just cannot recognize this behaviour for what it is.......my complete FAIL.
But, I can see how this attitude/treatment would work best between people, one of whom is actually punishing the other.......kind of scary. Kind of cruel,too.

 

Lance Vaughn

9 Months Ago

I'd say this sums it up pretty well.

 

Robert James Hacunda

9 Months Ago

Pardon my skimming but one thing I've noticed in dealing with the passive aggressive people that have been in my life, is that they themselves are also passive to being conscious of their own behavior , living in a world in which perhaps they're not fully part of until they push it and provoke it with inane remarks, selfish perspectives and ignorance posturing as an opinion.mostly coming from a paranoid and highly cynical mechanism with the mask of good intentions .. other than that I haven't a clue what it means...

 

Jenny Armitage

9 Months Ago

Passive aggressive is when you either don't respond to the requests of others, or say they will and don't. They don't disagree with you, but they don't alter their behavior either.

 

Jenny Armitage

9 Months Ago

@ Lance. That's not passive aggressive. That's snarky and snide.

 

Patricia Strand

9 Months Ago

Angelina, the example you gave of "the silent treatment" really hits home. I used to do that as a child to get attention. Guess what -- it never worked! I wonder if other passive aggressive types just end up hurting themselves in the end. Marlene's example of a friend in her face is the opposite. It seems that passive aggressiveness can span a wide range of behaviors. I wonder if there is a little bit of it in all of us.

Haha, Lance! Pretty good.

 

Barbara St Jean

9 Months Ago

A perfect example is watching politicians in action. They will tell the people what they want to hear and then don't act upon it.....years go by and nothing changes. Or if it does it's not want the people want but rather what is in their best interest... the real good ones seem to continued to get re-elected over and over again... they have it down to an art.

 

Lance Vaughn

9 Months Ago

@Jenny

Definitely snarky and snide but I think snarky and snide are at least a facet of passive aggressive. Passive aggression is really just aggression but expressed with a passive facade.

 

Kyle Vick

9 Months Ago

I think "passive aggressive" is simply a label that sensitive people like to attach to other people who are actually doing their level best to not kill the overly sensitive person.

 

Robert James Hacunda

9 Months Ago

hmmm. I'm seeing a pattern here........very interesting

 

Marlene Burns

9 Months Ago

the silent treatment is just a perception. if someone has no interest in being engaged in a conversation, they aren't punishing you or acting up, they have simply moved on and out.
i can give several examples here but others might get paranoid....or worse yet, see themselves!
true silent treatment can be childish or simply mirror one's inability to deal with a situation...but sometimes, ya just don't give a rat's ass.
never assume someon'es silence is a treatment or punishment...cuz often times, they have just left the building. ;)
ya know what they say about assuming

 

Everything is just someone elses perception is it not?

eg, someone here has a row with someone else

a thinks b was being rude to them and is now cutting them (ignoring them)
b thinks a was, and is
the crowd see that neither were and that it is a misunderstanding

each scenario is very real to the person in it and their own perception of the situation but, who is right?

 

Marlene Burns

9 Months Ago

It's about assuming that your perception is reality...sometimes a cigar is just a smoke.
Ignoring someone takes effort...if no effort is being put into a relationship that no longer exists, then it is not silent treatment. It no treatment.
That is reality...Assuming it is the silent treatment is the perception.

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Nothing wrong with Pollyanna. I use that most days

http://abbie-shores.com/pollyanna-game/

I like Pollyanna..... keeps me smiling through some really stupid times

 

Robert James Hacunda

8 Months Ago

The Pollyanna syndrome operates on a positive conscious level with a highly synical subconscious .. Clinically that is

 

Marlene Burns

8 Months Ago

pathologcial niceness....hmmm.....
i don't think much about niceness....when i was younger, i discounted it completely in lieu of being honest.
i think healthy niceness has its place, most certainly...pleasantries buy a lot. if we wise up as we age, we figure out the proper place and value of nice.
when niceness is veiled anger and just a front to pull the wool over someone else's eyes, then it really isn't nice at all....so i wouldn't call it pathological niceness, just calling it what it really is.....anger.

 

Robert Kernodle

8 Months Ago

Marlene B., I see that you cite anger more than once as the underlying emotion being veiled by PA behavior.

Is this the only emotion veiled by PA behavior? I would suspect that selfishness, fear, physical attraction, and other things could be veiled in strange ways too by such behavior.

 

Marlene Burns

8 Months Ago

Robert,
I'm just repeating what the professionals say....veiled anger that spurs 'nice' behavior that is really doing the opposite of what someone requests. The passive part is the nice, the aggressive is the stubborness

 

Robert James Hacunda

8 Months Ago

Some suggest that passive-aggressive behavior may stem from being raised in an environment where the direct expression of emotions was discouraged or not allowed

 

Marlene Burns

8 Months Ago

I can understand that, RJ
And learning to be a people pleaser, regardless of anger, is pretty common for children who fear setting off unstable parents

 

Diana Angstadt

8 Months Ago

It means shutting ones mouth even though one wants to yell and scream

 

Robert James Hacunda

8 Months Ago

I think we're born people pleasers or not and environment can teach the people pleaser to be passive aggressive. Had they been born into a healthier environment I'm not sure the passive aggression would be so pronounced.. Trouble is you just can't please everyone so I imagine trying to can be rather compromising to ones character..

 

Robert Kernodle

8 Months Ago

I guess a more focused question, then, might be: "Is aggression born out of anger, or can other emotions express themselves aggressively, passively or otherwise?"

Aggression can come from a desire to dominate. Aggression can come from a desire to avoid danger. Aggression can come from a desire to be free. I seems, then, that passive aggression could stem from some of the same emotional places as in-your-face aggression.

 

Robert James Hacunda

8 Months Ago

I think the big difference in passive aggression is the person lacks insight into their own feelings ... Anger is often a release valve, some turned in ward= depression.. some outward=hostility and some not in touch with it at all= passive

 

Robert James Hacunda

8 Months Ago

fear, shame and anger are the 3 cores.... imho...

 

Marlene Burns

8 Months Ago

oh, i like that robert....i have always heard that depression is anger turned inward....so i guess it is about how we channel the anger

 

Louise Reeves

8 Months Ago

Passive Aggressive joke:

For Sale: 2012 Harley Davidson Sportster. Low Mileage, less than one year owned. Reason for selling: Apparently the wife saying "Do whatever the F*** you want " had a totally different meaning than I thought.

 

Rose Art

8 Months Ago

I think passive aggression has a lot to do with projection and fear. It is a way to retaliate. Not in a very intelligent or effective, way I might add.

edit: fear shame and anger, yes Robert.

 

Robert Kernodle

8 Months Ago

Have you ever tried to answer the question, "Exactly what is anger?"

I'm thinking about it, and I don't have an immediate answer. Amazing. I know what it is, but I cannot readily put it into words.

ME! ... at a loss for words.

That makes me angry! (^__^)

 

Robert James Hacunda

8 Months Ago

Anger is enthusiastic depression...seriously it's a form of retaliation

 

Janine Riley

8 Months Ago

A passive - aggressive person's favorite weapon is " Oh. I forgot, okayyy... ? "

 

Robert James Hacunda

8 Months Ago

or " Oh? I meant to do it"

 

Gregory Scott

8 Months Ago

I've been ignoring this thread for quite a while, not reading or responding. I just came back to ask if that's passive-aggressive. Is it?

 

Robert James Hacunda

8 Months Ago

naw that's just avoiding it

 

Marlene Burns

8 Months Ago

IMO, anger is most often a reaction rather than an action.....sometimes a reaction to what someone says or does...sometimes a reaction to one's own inability to respond to a person or situation appropriately....often coupled with frustration, disappointment, expectations.
Anger can be healthy or unhealthy...just as being selfish can.
Stuffing an honest reaction of anger isn't healthy...nor is veiling it in nice passivity

 

Rose Art

8 Months Ago

Re: environment and the passive aggressive.

I put my money on such tactics as being a form of personality disorder. Coming from a large family , I can say all growing up in the same environment, left some of us passive aggressive, and some of us just aggressive. Or one could say instead ,victim and/or empowered. If one feels/plays the role of victim, then the outlet for pent up frustration is often the poisonous,passive aggressive approach. An approach which is only effective on those similarly confidence challenged. Suppressing an honest reaction to affront is unhealthy. Responding with passive aggression is an affront.

 

Robert Kernodle

8 Months Ago

... still trying to put anger into different terms.

a form of anxiousness,

a form of fear,

a form of depression,

a form of passion,

misapplied force,

... that's all I got for now.

 

Robert James Hacunda

8 Months Ago

Anger can be a reaction to all of the above...it's not a form of, it's a reaction to anxiety, fear, passion depression... hostility is a form of anger, rage, retaliation, passive aggression

 

Janine Riley

8 Months Ago

Anger is a primitive response to a perceived threat of danger.

The good ole' "reptilian brain", it provides us with adrenaline to either : Get the hell out of Dodge , or strike back.

Not too useful in today's society. Hence the increase of passive- aggression ?

 

Melissa Herrin

8 Months Ago

Passive-aggressive is a form of manipulation. Its a way to 'send a message' but in a negative and destructive way usually but not always in a nice tone. The most infamous example and most common is "What's wrong?"..."NOTHING".. well we know that there is clearly something wrong and the passive aggressor is relishing the control that they have by holding the questioners emotions hostage.

'Sure,you can buy that if you like THAT kind of art". " Sure you can hang out with us, I GUESS", "Just do whatever you wan't", "I sure do wish my husband were more like that." saying that in front of him......Its a negative form of communication. A very destructive one at that.

There are more forms.. but these are the most common. Both my mother and I call it 'nice nasty'

 

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