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Short Screenplay based on the painting Flaming Orange Blue Kitty by the artist MendyZ

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September 26th, 2016 - 10:38 PM

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Short Screenplay based on the painting Flaming Orange Blue Kitty by the artist MendyZ

Tactless Cow

A Short Screenplay
Inspired by the painting Flaming Orange Blue Kittyartist MendyZ

INT. A SWEET SHOP - AFTERNOON

Daring gardener PROF ZOE JONES is arguing with thoughtful cleaner MISS HANNAH BOGTROTTER. ZOE tries to hug HANNAH but she shakes her off.

ZOE
Please Hannah, don't leave me.
HANNAH
I'm sorry Zoe, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
ZOE
I am such a person!
HANNAH frowns.

HANNAH
I'm sorry, Zoe. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
HANNAH leaves.

ZOE sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, admirable fishmonger DI ROBERT THUNDER barges in looking flustered.

ZOE
Goodness, Robert! Is everything okay?
ROBERT
I'm afraid not.
ZOE
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
ROBERT
It's ... a cow ... I saw an evil cow gobble a bunch of kittens!
ZOE
Defenseless kittens?
ROBERT
Yes, defenseless kittens!
ZOE
Bloomin' heck, Robert! We've got to do something.
ROBERT
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
ZOE
You can start by telling me where this happened.
ROBERT
I was...
ROBERT fans himself and begins to wheeze.

ZOE
Focus Robert, focus! Where did it happen?
ROBERT
The Eden Project! That's right - The Eden Project!
ZOE springs up and begins to run.


EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

ZOE rushes along the street, followed by ROBERT. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.


EXT. THE EDEN PROJECT - SHORTLY AFTER

CHANTAL PARKES a tactless cow terrorises two kittens.

ZOE, closely followed by ROBERT, rushes towards CHANTAL, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

ROBERT
What is is? What's the matter?
ZOE
That's not just any old cow, that's Chantal Parkes!
ROBERT
Who's Chantal Parkes?
ZOE
Who's Chantal Parkes? Who's Chantal Parkes? Only the most tactless cow in the universe!
ROBERT
Blinkin' knickers, Zoe! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most tactless cow in the universe!
ZOE
You can say that again.
ROBERT
Blinkin' knickers, Zoe! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most tactless cow in the universe!
ZOE
I'm going to need paperweights, lots of paperweights.
Chantal turns and sees Zoe and Robert. She grins an evil grin.

CHANTAL
Zoe Jones, we meet again.
ROBERT
You've met?
ZOE
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young ZOE is sitting in a park listening to some piano music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees CHANTAL. She takes off her headphones.

CHANTAL
Would you like some white mice?
ZOE's eyes light up, but then he studies CHANTAL more closely, and looks uneasy.

ZOE
I don't know, you look kind of tactless.
CHANTAL
Me? No. I'm not tactless. I'm the least tactless cow in the world.
ZOE
Wait, you're a cow?
ZOE runs away, screaming.


EXT. THE EDEN PROJECT - PRESENT DAY

CHANTAL
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
ROBERT
(To ZOE) You ran away?
ZOE
(To ROBERT) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
ZOE turns to CHANTAL.

ZOE
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
ZOE runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

ZOE
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with paperweights.
CHANTAL
I'm not scared of you.
ZOE
You should be.

INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM - LATER THAT DAY

ZOE and ROBERT walk around searching for something.

ZOE
I feel sure I left my paperweights somewhere around here.
ROBERT
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly paperweights.
ZOE
You know nothing Robert Thunder.
ROBERT
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, CHANTAL appears, holding a pair of paperweights.

CHANTAL
Looking for something?
ROBERT
Crikey, Zoe, she's got your paperweights.
ZOE
Tell me something I don't already know!
ROBERT
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
ZOE
I know that already!
ROBERT
I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed.
CHANTAL
(appalled) Dude!
While CHANTAL is looking at ROBERT with disgust, ZOE lunges forward and grabs her deadly paperweights. He wields them, triumphantly.

ZOE
Prepare to die, you tactless cauliflower!
CHANTAL
No please! All I did was gobble a bunch of kittens!
HANNAH enters, unseen by any of the others.

ZOE
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those kittens were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Zoe Jones defender of innocent kittens.
CHANTAL
Don't hurt me! Please!
ZOE
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these paperweights on you right away!
CHANTAL
Because Zoe, I am your mother.
ZOE looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

ZOE
No you're not!
CHANTAL
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
CHANTAL tries to grab the paperweights but ZOE dodges out of the way.

ZOE
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, CHANTAL slumps to the ground.

ROBERT
Did she just faint?
ZOE
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly paperweights.
ZOE crouches over CHANTAL's body.

ROBERT
Be careful, Zoe. It could be a trick.
ZOE
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Chantal Parkes is dead!
ZOE
What?
ZOE
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
ROBERT claps his hands.

ROBERT
So your paperweights did save the day, after all.
HANNAH steps forward.

HANNAH
Is it true? Did you kill the tactless cow?
ZOE
Hannah how long have you been...?
HANNAH puts her arm around ZOE.

HANNAH
Long enough.
ZOE
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Chantal Parkes.
HANNAH
Then the kittens are safe?
ZOE
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable kittens enter, looking relived.

HANNAH
You are their hero.
The kittens bow to ZOE.

ZOE
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Chantal Parkes will never gobble kittens ever again, is enough for me.
HANNAH
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the kittens passes ZOE a shiny talisman

HANNAH
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
ZOE
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.

ZOE
Well, if you insist.
ZOE takes the talisman.

ZOE
Thank you.
The kittens bow their heads once more, and leave.

ZOE turns to HANNAH.

ZOE
Does this mean you want me back?
HANNAH
Oh, Zoe, of course I want you back!
ZOE smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

ZOE
Well you can't have me.
HANNAH
WHAT?
ZOE
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a cow to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
HANNAH
But...
ZOE
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Robert.
ROBERT grins.

HANNAH
But...
ROBERT
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
HANNAH
Zoe?
ZOE
I'm sorry Hannah, but I think you should skidaddle.
HANNAH leaves.

ROBERT turns to ZOE.

ROBERT
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
ZOE
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly ROBERT stops.

ROBERT
When I said I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed, you know I was just trying to distract the cow don't you?

THE END

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